Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Hey, friend. Welcome to Perspectives into Practice, a place where life's stories meet practical wisdom. Together, we'll explore how faith filled perspectives can transform the way we live, love, and grow.
So grab a seat, settle in, and join us on this journey to turn inspiration into action.
Let's dive in.
[00:00:29] Speaker B: Hey.
[00:00:30] Speaker A: Before we begin, I want to say this. I know so many of us walk through miscarriage and pregnancy loss silently, but you are not alone. God is close to the brokenhearted, and we are praying for you.
Please take care of your heart as you listen. This episode includes conversation around miscarriage, pregnancy, loss, and grief.
If that feels too tender for you right now, it's okay to pause or skip this one. With that being said, let's begin today's conversation.
[00:01:01] Speaker B: Hey, friend.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: Welcome back to Perspectives into Practice. I am so glad that you're here. So today's episode is for anyone who's felt far from God, like your prayers aren't going anywhere. He's quiet. Maybe you feel all alone in it. My friend Ashley is here with me today, and she knows that feeling very well.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: She.
[00:01:20] Speaker A: She's walked through dry seasons before, but most recently it came after a deep pain of a miscarriage. And that kind of loss can really leave you feeling numb, both spiritually and emotionally. So it's something that a lot of us go through but not many of us talk about. And I'm so grateful for Ashley being here to speak with us. Welcome, Ashley.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: Hello, Ms. Jessica. How are you this morning?
[00:01:45] Speaker A: I am doing so wonderful.
So I have a fun fact for you.
And this fun fact is actually it kind of involves me, but we're here for you. So you are not only a mom of three amazing children, but you homeschool them.
And the bonus fun fact is that I was there to help deliver all of your babies.
[00:02:17] Speaker B: All three of them.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: Three of them.
[00:02:21] Speaker B: Straight up chaos.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: Amazing.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: It was amazing. It was. I think after the first one, I think your thumbs were about to fall off. You remember that?
My husband, he complained about his thumbs for days after I saw his child.
[00:02:37] Speaker A: I know. I was like, scott, we're gonna have to tag team here. Let's be superheroes.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: And y' all were superheroes. And I had that flavor. And y' all were, and I couldn't have made it without you.
[00:02:49] Speaker A: But those sweet babies, oh, my goodness, they are so precious. And I love hearing them in the back when we chat.
[00:02:56] Speaker B: Yes, they are.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: And they always are, and I love that.
But what. What an adventure it has been. For sure. It has.
[00:03:04] Speaker B: It has been an adventure.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: I mean, it really is just a sweet picture of your. The life that you live today is having all these babies and choosing to homeschool and choosing to, you know, instill in them these things that you want them to instead of what the world wants to give them. So as we talk today, you're gonna share part of your story. And friends, as you're listening, I want you to just hear her journey. And as we step into what she is sharing with us, think about the dry seasons that maybe you have felt as well.
So, Ashley, can you take us back to that season of emptiness, especially during those miscarriages? Like, what. What did that relationship with God look like in that time? Take us through that.
[00:03:53] Speaker B: Well, let's kind of go back to the beginning of it, you know, like. Like you had just said, like you had helped me bring three beautiful children into the world.
I had unmedicated births. I had exactly everything I had ever wanted.
It was just. I mean, it felt like all of my dreams had come true. So when you're on the top of that mountain, that next valley can seem really, really low. And I remember it was the summer of 2023, and we've got family pictures made and I still have, like, one of them of my three kids where they're Creek pictures. And I was pregnant at that time with our fourth child.
And I didn't even know it, but I remember looking at those pictures and I remember, like, seeing. Seeing him after I got him back and was like, man, I have everything. And then I found out I was pregnant, and I found out I was pregnant. I have a boy. My oldest is a boy, my second is a girl, and then my third is a boy. And I was pregnant with a fourth little girl.
And I was like, how could it get any more perfect than this? I mean, this is everything I've ever wanted. I'm gonna have two boys, I'm gonna have two girls. And so when you have, you know, that high said, I was like, lord, why are you giving me everything I've ever wanted? Yeah, it was just.
I mean, I still smile looking at that because, like, I was. I've never felt that. Just.
It was like I'd won the lottery. I mean, it was better than winning the lottery. It was. It was perfect. And so, you know, fast forward a little while later. I didn't even.
[00:05:21] Speaker A: It.
[00:05:22] Speaker B: Like, you think about it kind of in passing, but, like, it wasn't something you dwelled on because I'd had three perfect pregnancies. Like, why. Why would anything go wrong in the fourth? And you know, I was a little bit older this time, and it was.
I guess I was 37, about to be 38, when I found out that, like, there was just a couple of weird things. I was like, well, no big deal. I mean, they were just super minor, super, super, you know, little bitty things. And they made me, like, they wanted to make me come back. And I was like, oh, there could be, you know, I guess. I guess I do need to kind of mentally cross that bridge. And I'm one of those, like, super anxious people that I like to cross all the bridges, all the really bad bridges. And so, like, I tried to cross all those bridges mentally and, like, you try to pray, but it was kind of.
I didn't even. It's almost like I know what to pray for. Lord, let me keep this baby. But, like, what do you really pray for? I mean, you know, you're like, you've given me everything, so, I don't know, you almost feel guilty to pray. And so I remember finding out that. That that little girl had stopped growing. You know, the. The next couple of, like, weeks, days. We tried to let that miscarriage pass naturally and, you know, carrying around. And I just couldn't get past the thought. So it's like, yeah, I have never. For somebody who had never really truly experienced much grief in her life, it was a complete and utter shock. I did not know how your brain worked. I didn't know how your brain created. Or how God created your brain to go through grief like that. And I'd lost my grandparents, you know, things like that, but nobody, you know, definitely not a child. And I'm always one of those people that I have trouble connecting to a pregnancy before I see them. And so I just don't, like. It's hard for me to, like, realize, I guess, that there's an actual, like, my child's in there. But it was a grief for something I didn't even really understand. So what ensued, like, after that moment is now what I've researched and understand. That was shock. And God gave me that which felt like the most.
Like there's not. It feels like there's not even words to truly describe it. Just utter emptiness, like, just nothingness. I felt nothing. It was like pain and brokenness, but in this form of nothingness.
And it was like there was no. I didn't feel a relationship with the Lord. I was going through the motions in my everyday life. I was just functioning. And that emptiness is what I would call, you know, the worst spiritual dry season I have Ever felt that looking back on. And I'm thankful for it because the pain would have been too much for me to bear emotionally, but he gave me that. And he makes our bodies so that we go through that. And then someone had. You know, you go through things like that and you. And that's when you really feel God's love and his care for us because he provides things that happen. And then it was like he started, like.
It almost felt like dripping back. It was almost like you couldn't handle it all at once. So he, like, started, like, dripping back, showing me that he was there.
[00:08:45] Speaker A: And.
[00:08:46] Speaker B: And he never left me. He sat beside me through all of my emptiness and all of that brokenness.
But he did that through a friend of mine, had Amazon me. It just showed up at my doorstep. A. A devotional, a miscarriage devotional is called Held.
And I was like, how. I mean, I know I need to process this. I know that's the right thing to do, but I don't. How do you start to process this, like, when you feel nothing? And so I was reading that book, and I remember, and it's just kind of funny how he provides in times that you need and kind of in what some would call the silliest ways. But I've no doubt in my mind it was him. So he gave me, you know, this book, and I'm sitting on my front porch in this emptiness, just nothing. And I'm like, I'm going to try to read a page of this.
It was just the strangest thing. This little hummingbird, like, shows up on my front porch.
And it was like the first time I realized he had provided that he had given me, you know, you need you. I had. I had empty arms.
I had an empty belly. At that point, I had gone through.
I had, like I said, I tried to pass naturally, and I had.
It wasn't happening. And so we decided to do a dnc because, I mean, for lack of a better way to say it, carrying around your dead baby inside of you is just a lot to handle. And so. And I'm really crunchy, really natural. Like, I like to do things naturally, but, you know, there is a very good time and a place for modern medicine. And I had a DNC after a week of trying to pass naturally. And this was all after that dnc and after that. And so I had an empty belly, I had empty arms, I had an empty heart. And God gave me this hummingbird, which seems so small, but I needed something to hold on to. I needed something tangible. He knows how my brain works. He created it.
And so through that, he gave me this hummingbird. And I mean, now I've got a sweet, healthy obsession with hummingbirds.
You know, she. Like, I'm also. I have this other strange thing about me.
I have. I've color coded my children. It was an accident. I didn't mean to color code them, but they are color coded. Harden's blue, Carolina's pink, Hatcher's green. And this little girl would have been my little yellow girl. And so she's my little yellow hummingbird.
And it's just. It's just funny how he provides. And through that book he gave me Romans 8 and 26, it says, likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought to. But the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
And that's what he did for me. He interceded for me with groanings too deep for word because I had none. There was nothing there. And he helped me through my weakness and gave me something to walk through. So, you know, I don't know if you want to add to that, Jessica.
You know, there's. There's. There's a process and a way he handled that and. And, you know, got me through that.
Yeah.
[00:12:12] Speaker A: Honestly, what you're going through in that or went through in that dry, spiritual time, I've gone through, not with a miscarriage recently, but I know what it's like to go through a miscarriage and to keep. But recently I have gone through a dry season. I just posted a podcast about it. And, like, I feel that so hard because I know how important it is to talk about this because there's way too many Christian women that are going through this and they're putting on the pretty faces and they're showing up to church, and nobody knows what they're really going through.
And so I'm so thankful that you're here.
[00:12:50] Speaker B: Well, really, like, the biggest thing that I got out of it all as far as relating to a spiritual dry season that it was, is that I realized through that, through that verse. I mean, like, I have that verse highlighted in yellow in my Bible. Of course I do.
And I go back to that. Like, I'll never forget that verse. I'll never forget that. The moment I can't pray because there were no prayers, there were no words. I was not praying. I was not asking God anything. He knew. He knew everything that I needed in those moments. He knew the emptiness that I did need, and he provided it. And then he came back to where I could feel him in the time that he needed. So when we have these dry seasons and these things and we think he's not there, because, I mean, I've thought that many times. I'm like, where are you, Lord?
Where'd you go? Like, what happened? Like, I'm not feeling anything. Well, it's not always about my feelings. And I've come to know through his truth and his promises that he literally never leaves us. He sat there with me through all of that, and he made himself known when I needed it.
So through those times, I mean, and even now, I've learned when I'm going through something, even if obviously, you know, that one was a pretty big one, that was a really big situation. But there are so many times when you sit there in your church and you're like, I feel nothing when you're going through that. He's right there. He's not left.
And we ask him, lord, what do you want me to learn through this? What do you want me to be able to see from this? Show me. Help me see where you want my heart so that I can learn and grow and know your word better and become closer to you and be more like you have my wants to align with your wants and your desires. Lord, what do you want me to do? I've had a friend that went through a.
You know, like, she was scared she was going to lose her job lately. And through that, I'm like, I just, you know, I know there's a lot of fear. I mean, scared to death, you're not going to be able to help provide for your family. You know, so many things. And I'm like, we've just got to ask God what he wants you to learn through this, where he wants you to grow. It's. I mean, I don't, you know, whether he. He caused it or allowed it or provided it. He did. He did one of those things. Like, we have to see what he wants us to get out of this, because it's all for his glory and his honor. And, you know, it's just our goal for our. To align what we want with what he wants for us.
[00:15:22] Speaker A: Absolutely.
Yeah. And that I. That's what I was going to ask you was that, you know, you mentioned that this was your first dry season that you can. You can remember.
[00:15:32] Speaker B: But what did you Learn just so apparent.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: Yeah. Like what. What did you learn through that? And how did. How do you think you could recognize and survive another one?
What did you learn from this?
[00:15:47] Speaker B: I did. I did. Unfortunately, I was pregnant again this year, and I'll be 40 in October. And so, you know, I kind of. I knew that that was coming. I knew that the emptiness and the grief was coming.
And I realized this time, like, he never went anywhere. He was right there beside me through that grief and through all of that pain all over again. Because this was a little boy, and it's just definitely not what I wanted to do. But this time it didn't affect me the same way. Yes, it was equally as painful, equally as hard, but that I wasn't shocked by that emptiness that he provided. And that emptiness was okay because I knew it was protecting me, and I knew he was loving me through that emptiness.
So, I mean, really, just honestly, like, what I learned was that he is not gone. My dryness is a feeling. My emptiness, my desire to have more, that desire to have a feeling and that emotional response, that's just me. He's not. He's not gone. He's absolutely right there.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: So what do you think? What do you wish that people understood about this nothingness, place of grief?
[00:17:04] Speaker B: I. I was so shocked by it. And, you know, like I said, like, this time it did not shock me because I knew we. There's. We have a couple that. They lost their son very abruptly at age. Like, he was 20. He was 21. She talks about it, how God provided that for her and how thankful she is because the pain would have been too much to bear. So it's just, you know, just being aware that that's how he created us and he intended that to happen. I mean, I'm not, you know, with the fall happening and causing. You know, there would have been no pain like that. But he allowed us and our brains to respond in a way that protects us and provides in times that are just too much for our brains to even process and deal with.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: Well, I think that's so important to know that obviously not all of us process grief or hardships or stress the same.
And to know that God doesn't treat us all the same either, because he knows our hearts and he knows our longings and wants, and he knows that in that emptiness that was healing for you and that maybe someone else actually does have to go through that. And so that's just.
It's so interesting how he loves us so well and is so intentional with his healing. Process.
So even though you don't feel God the same, he's still there. He's never leaving.
So when. When did you actually begin to sense him again? What did that. What did that look like? I know you were saying you were at the. About the hummingbird. Was there anything else that. Now. Now looking back, you can go, oh, yeah, that was definitely him.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: I mean, he just. He started.
It was kind of like my life started looking more normal again, and I just started feeling his presence like, you know, in a way that I normally did. And I felt so much closer to him at that point because I had been loved so well. Like, we had shared it. We had. You know, that's a story for another day, but we had shared it with everybody that, you know, we were going to have this fourth baby and to go through, like, you know, having to retract all those statements more or less and. Yeah, well, what happened afterwards was just. He just started coming back to me. Like, he allowed me to have those feelings again of connection and knowing that he was there. And it was just like a growing, you know, it was a growing and a knowing that he provided for me. So, you know, like. Like I said, you know, through Romans like that. That verse became something that just is near and dear to my heart. And, like, I'll never forget that. You know, it was like. I was like, okay, that this is. It's just a learning, you know, just like you learn anything new and then you take that knowledge with you and then you use it to help others in whatever way you can.
I felt him prompting me to take that book, and I've sent that book. I've Amazon. I've done that exact same thing that that girl did for me. I've Amazon that book to, I think four or five people now that, you know, had gone through, you know, similar things. And, you know, it's not that you never want to be a part of those clubs, but when you are just knowing that he's gonna provide ways for, you know, for you to help others, it's just, you know, it's just invaluable.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: Well, and in Psalms, it says the Lord is. Is close to the brokenhearted. And when you're in that brokenhearted season, you're right, you don't always feel him close, but he. He does save you in those times, exactly how you need it. And when the emotions are gone, the. Your. Your routine, you know, of quiet times with the Lord and being in the Bible, what did you do or not do that kept you tethered like, did you give up altogether? Did you? Or did you continue to just press in?
[00:20:57] Speaker B: I continued to press in. I got to a point where, like, in the devotional, I needed a break from it for a little while. I needed from a break from living in it. So, like, I took a break from the devot and like, I never completely finished the whole thing. And like, I think that's just, you know, I started my regular study. I went back to.
At that particular time, I think we were studying Revelation. So we were. I was back into that and I just. I went, you know, like, I just dug into His Word and read and just, you know, continued to study. I just clung to him and I was just so thankful that he had walked with me so closely after such a hard, hard thing.
[00:21:36] Speaker A: So for someone who is currently either going through the loss of a miscarriage or is just in that dry season where they don't feel like God is there, what hope can you offer them?
[00:21:49] Speaker B: The hope that I had and the hope that I know he provides. This is one of his promises, is that he will never leave us. He was with me through all of that emptiness, no matter what I was feeling, whatever dry season I was going through, he has never left me.
Now. There's so many things that can be, you know, the reason for this. Maybe my heart in other situations, like, maybe my heart wasn't particularly where it needed to be. Maybe I had some sin in my life. Maybe it was just a time for me to be still and to rest in His Word. And sometimes you just have to do the next right thing, which is, you know, do study His Word, stay in it, don't leave because he's not left you.
I mean, maybe. Maybe this is, you know, your time to grow stronger in Him. It's just.
Don't leave. It's not going to accomplish anything for you to leave. Because the joy I find now and then and all through my adult life after I've started clinging to the Lord doesn't even compare to the emptiness that you and the, you know, quote unquote, fun that you think you're having when you're not close to him, when you're not studying His Word and you're not living in the. His will for you when you're, you know, for me in, in my life, I was, you know, in my early 20s, I was living a life of sin, and I just. I'm not proud of that. And I look back at it and I thought I was having fun. I was laughing and doing all these things, though. It just wasn't fulfilling like it is now. It's too. It's like. It's like before and after. I mean, I'm just like, what was I thinking? How did I know I was missing this relationship? How did I. How did I not realize that I was so empty? But I was. I was so empty. And, like, the fullness that I feel now in my life and that, it just doesn't even compare, you know, it's just the joy and the fullness of living close to the Lord, even through the mountains and the valleys of that relationship, up and down. And whether you can feel him or not, or whether you're spiritually dry or not, it just doesn't compare to the emptiness that there is away from Him.
So that. That's. That's my encouragement is that just to stay. Just stay. He has not left you. He is right there with you.
[00:24:01] Speaker A: That is so, so good. And. And, I mean, you're right. Like, when you. I. I did a podcast about this a couple weeks ago, and even reading the Bible in my dry season felt off. It felt like the words were dry, they weren't speaking to me, and I didn't feel like the Lord was near. And, you know, I have gone through a lot of things in my life. The Lord has allowed me to go through some very, very difficult times, but I always share those times, and I feel like he gives us those moments so that we can.
[00:24:38] Speaker B: You have to have the emptiness to realize the fullness. You have to have the down to realize the up. I mean, it's just, you know, with, like, just without, for example, without sin in the world, they're like, you would not realize his glory.
Yeah. It's just.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: Well, and you can empathize with those that have gone through it, because if you've never gone through something and someone goes, I'm struggling with this, and you're like, oh, well, that. That sucks for you. I don't. I don't know what that's like. I mean, obviously we wouldn't say it like that, but. But, yeah, but, you know, when you go through it, you're like, oh, my goodness. Yes, I know exactly what that's like. And here's, you know, let's talk about it, and you can share. And, you know, that's why I love having so many wonderful friends on this podcast, is because we all have a different perspective on the things that we go through in life. And it doesn't have to be, you know, some huge thing. It can be a small something, but we all can learn from each other. And if we're willing to share that, you know, the Lord's going to use it. And I'm just so thankful that you are here to share with this today.
So my last question that I ask every guest that I have is what is one perspective that you would encourage listeners to apply today?
[00:25:56] Speaker B: Aside from, you know, being repetitive and all the things that I've already said, there's something that I do tell my children. God gave us emotions. They are good things. They can, you know, be insights, but they are not the rule. All end, all be, all just. It is this way because I feel they are tools that he's given us to use and to see, but they are not the truth always. And our feet and I always tell my kids, this is one of the things I'm like, you control your emotions. They don't control you. It feels like they do sometimes, but at the end of the day, you have to just take that emotion for what it is, whether it be emptiness and, or nothingness or, you know, you're reading the Word and you don't feel connected to it because the feeling's not there. But that. That's not Him. He's always there. And our feelings sometimes just are just that. They're just feelings.
[00:26:50] Speaker A: So, absolutely.
Ashley, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for your vulnerability and your openness to share with us. And friend, if you are in that dry, aching place right now, know that this. Know that God is still near. The silence doesn't mean that he's absent. And the emptiness doesn't mean that he's finished with your story.
Sometimes the faithful thing that you can do is to simply stay just one quiet moment at a time and keep showing up. Like Ashley said, keep showing up even when it feels like nothing is moving because he does see you and he is with you.
Remember, friend, that even small shifts in perspective can lead to big changes. Now go put those perspectives into practice. Talk to you next time.
